Conventional wisdom suggests there are two things you should never discuss: religion and politics. The unstated reason for this ?sage? advice is that people who do so get into heated arguments which cause division and ruin friendships. Surely that is not the only possible outcome. Besides, religion and politics are too important not to discuss! But how can we do so in a more constructive fashion? I offer a few suggestions I hope you will find useful in this regard.

1. Seek to Understand the Other’s Position
Whenever we talk with people whose perspectives differ from our own, we should try to understand as fully as possible not only what they believe, but why. Unfortunately, most of us are more eager to speak than we are to listen, to present our own ideas than to learn about another’s. This does not bode well for a constructive conversation. We need to make a concerted effort to see things from their perspective by asking questions and listening carefully to their responses. What has led them to this position? What reasons do they give for their ideas?

We can also educate ourselves by reading about perspectives which differ from our own. St. Francis had the right idea when he prayed, ?O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek . . . to be understood as to understand.?

2. Find Common Ground
I suspect many people are not quite as far apart on some issues as they might think. If they took time to really listen to each other, they might discover they share many common values and commitments. Yet more often than not, people become polarized on issues, giving the appearance that one is either ?with us? or ?with them.? Such divisions blind us to the possibility that despite our differences, we actually do share some common concerns.

For example, there are people on both sides of the legalized abortion debate who have a deep and abiding concern for human life. Rather than hunkering down into opposing camps of ?us? and ?them,? such persons could actually join hands on various initiatives since both desire to minimize abortions and provide supportive environments for women who decide to carry their babies to term.

The ability to identify common ground helps foster new levels of appreciation and understanding when discussing difficult topics.

3. Communicate Respect
Third, when talking to others about controversial issues, we should always communicate care and respect. In his helpful book Choosing Against War, John Roth addresses the manner in which pacifists ought to engage others in conversation. Roth’s questions encourage a Christian posture toward the other, an openness to learn, and a desire to communicate care and respect. If all of us dialogued with each another in this way, it would be a safe space indeed!

Obviously, we communicate respect (or lack thereof!) by the things we say and the way we say them. If we hope to engage in a constructive conversation, we need to be gracious with our words. As the writer of Colossians puts it, ?Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer everyone.?

Gracious speech is courteous, respectful, and humble. It does not ridicule, demean, or demonize those who think differently. It avoids the kind of inflammatory and incendiary rhetoric we so often hear on talk radio, in political campaigns, and even from certain well-known Christian leaders! Instead, gracious speech is grounded in love and characterized by hospitality. We recognize the other as someone created in God’s image and strive to treat him or her with reverence and respect.

4. Be open to new insights
Finally, when talking about controversial issues, weshould do so with a genuine sense of humility and openness. Regardless of how informed our perspective may be, it is always limited. We never see the whole picture. We should always enter these kind of conversations ready to learn and even to change our minds if necessary. Such modifications come easier if we view such conversations as opportunities to exchange ideas rather than arguments to be won or lost.

So go ahead. Throw conventional wisdom to the wind. Discuss religion, politics, and whatever else you like with family and friends. Just be sure to do so in a way that creates space for genuine dialogue, authentic disagreement, and mutual respect to develop.

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This article is excerpted from Shalom! the BIC publication on peace and reconciliation edited by Harriet Bicksler.

Eric Seibert is assistant professor of Old Testament at Messiah College and director of Sider Institute for Anabaptist, Pietist and Wesleyan Studies at the college. He and his wife are active members of the Grantham Church. For more articles in Shalom! and issues such as conflict resolution, peacemaking and nonviolence among the BIC, go here.